Well, we found out on Monday that our little baby brown never developed passed 8 weeks and thus had no heartbeat. We actually went in on an emergency visit because I had been having contraction and bleeding over the weekend (really not a good sign ... and really not comfortable to say the least). Anyway, for some reason, my body had held onto the child and tried to save it all this time when it was already pretty much done growing the first time we went to the doctor. That's the obvious sad news. The good news is that the pain is over! The miscarriage was finally completed yesterday evening and I was able to play games with some of our friends and sleep just fine last night with no contractions to wake me. So nice.
It's interesting to look back and think of the little signs that there were that maybe things weren't working out. Some of them are weird, but true. For instance, I had several baby dreams before we knew I was pregnant and for about a week after finding out. The dreams stopped about the time that the baby stopped developing. I also could tell a change in my body from the beginning and even though I was still fatigued and always hungry after the baby "died," I didn't feel my body keep changing or growing. Preston and I were also blessed because neither of us felt like it was real. We were of course very excited ... especially when we first found out ... but that faded away about the same time the fetus stopped developing and we never felt that it was real after that, so we weren't too attached. It's interesting to see how things work out.
It may sound cold and uncaring, but I think that we're pretty much over it ... as much as you can be. We'll always remember and it will probably keep bringing tears to my eyes. But, we had processed the idea over the weekend when the problems first arose and, although neither of us bluntly admitted it, we both thought that we would get bad news from the doctor. We talked about how Heavenly Father is in control and ultimately everything would be fine no matter how the pregnancy turned out. Of course we still hoped for good news :) But, I'm so grateful to my Heavenly Father for the amazing comfort he's given me in my times of sorrow. He knows and understands everything I'm going through and I know it. In our "family" scripture study we've been reading the D&C and over the weekend and last night we read sections 121 and 122 (written to Joseph Smith while he was in Liberty jail and wondering how long the Lord would allow them to suffer). It was very applicable and I know that the Lord could name all the significant things that have happened in my life that have been a challenge, but the message would be the same ... all these things will be for MY good! I know it. So, yes, I have cried and mourned in my own way, but now we're both back at work and turning the page to a new chapter of life. We know the miscarriage wasn't our fault and that it really might be better in the long run. I mean, it was miscarried for a reason ... it would have had major physical problems had my body allowed it to keep growing. So, I'll count my blessings and hope that we can still be parents soon. In fact, judging by how quickly we got pregnant last time (pretty much within a week of trying!) we probably won't even have to tell everybody the bad news ... we'll just change the due date and no one will even know :) hehe.
I also realized how many great friends Preston and I have. I ran into Liz in the Wilk right after hearing the news and had a breakdown, but she was there to comfort me :) We had some neighbors (the Wongs) bring dinner on Monday; some other neighbors (Holly & Jeff) bring flowers, cookies and a cute card yesterday and tonight we're getting dinner from my visiting teachers! Everyone is just so nice!! So thank you for your thoughtfulness, support and prayers! We can feel all the love from our friends and family and knowing that we have so many people who care about us helps us be able to be so resilient.
Thanks again to all of you for being a support to us! We always know we have people to turn to in times of need and that's a great feeling!